Trump jokes

Paul Ryan: You made Trump look like an idiot!

Media: He didn't need our help.

Trump facing trial by the Senate: "I can explain. I didn't think we'd win the election!"

Not jokes per se, but quotations stolen from Asimov's "The Gods Themselves," that apply to Golden Boy Trump:


“He’s a pygmy with only one talent: the ability to convince others he’s a giant.”


“His idiot face gets redder and his eyes bulge and his ears block. I’d say his mind stops functioning, but I lack the proof of any other state from which it might stop.”

Based on recent performance:

If Trump's brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.

"Look, no one knew that covfefe was so complicated."

One fine day in Washington, Sean Spicer stops by the Lincoln Memorial on his way to work.

Lincoln's statue suddenly moves his head slightly and says "Sean, bring me a horse."

"What the hell!" Sean says in astonishment.

"Bring me a horse," Lincoln repeats.

Sean runs full speed to the White House and manages to convince his boss a miracle has happened, and he needs to rush with him to the Lincoln Memorial. When they get there, Sean tells Lincoln, "Mr. president, have you met Mr. Trump?"

The statue just sits there saying nothing.

"Can you repeat to him what you told me a few minutes ago, please?"

The statue just sits there saying nothing.

Trump gets angry. "You're fired, Sean!" he says and stalks out.

"Why don't you say anything?" Sean demands of Lincoln once they're alone.

"I asked you for a horse, Sean, and you brought me an ass."

Here's a prophecy that will come true: Trump will die on a Mexican holiday.

Proof: the day Trump dies will be declared a holiday in Mexico.

The Pentagon is working on new nuclear codes, which need to be over 140 characters long so Trump can't Tweet them.

Trump Syndrome: A condition where a patient's brain is not on speaking terms with their mouth.

Q: How many Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Well, let's see. You need one to say the burnt bulb is fake news, another to blame it on Obama, another to blame it on Clinton, another to blame it on Congress, another to blame it on Corker, another to blame it on Flake, another to blame it on the democrats, another to call it fake news again, another to blame it on illegal immigrants, another to renegotiate NAFTA so that all light bulbs have at least 50% of US-made content, another to call white supremacists fine people, another to fire his chief of staff, another to threaten CBS for reporting the fake news that light bulbs burn out, another to Tweet that soon we'll hear demands for Washington's and Jefferson's old light bulbs to be smashed, another to demand the light bulb BURN for the anthem, another to call all light bulbs sons of bitches, another to claim light bulbs under Obama didn't last as long, another to claim he invented light bulbs, another to claim he invented light, and one more to deny it was ever his intention to screw in a light bulb.