Marital arguments -- poll

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Poll
6 votes (46.15%)
No votes (0%)
3 votes (23.07%)
4 votes (30.76%)

13 members have voted

May 6th, 2014 at 5:36:34 PM permalink
beachbumbabs
Member since: Sep 3, 2013
Threads: 6
Posts: 1600
It's always better to discuss rationally. It's also infuriating to the non-rational arguer, and there's usually at least one in any argument. Which usually leads to the non-rational arguer winning the argument through attrition. It's incredibly costly to be rationally right, in terms of the relationship. So the rational arguer is in constant flux, trying to weigh intangibles and self-respect against the utter hell the emotionally charged arguer will inevitably raise. It's a lose-lose-lose; is THIS where I plant my flag? Eventually the rational arguer gets worn into apathy, while having trained the emotional arguer that they can win the war even if they lose the battle again and again. And then the marriage is over. Because it's never about the dress.
Never doubt a small group of concerned citizens can change the world; it's the only thing ever has
May 6th, 2014 at 6:08:10 PM permalink
Evenbob
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 146
Posts: 25010
Quote: Wizard
I don't even get to decide those things. In my house you either tow the Fox News line or you're a communist degenerate drug abusing flaming liberal hippie.


I like your wife without ever meeting her. You
should listen to her more.

I never argue with my wife, I learned it's
pointless. Some women love to argue,
and they really like it. I don't give my wife
a chance to argue with me by never getting
into discussions about things I know she
opposes. I just do what I like and if she
doesn't care for it, oh well. But I let her do
what she likes as well. She gave up a long
time ago on trying to get me to do something
I don't want to do.
If you take a risk, you may lose. If you never take a risk, you will always lose.
May 6th, 2014 at 7:29:33 PM permalink
Evenbob
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 146
Posts: 25010
Quote: aceofspades

Communication is the biggest issue in divorces - the couples stopped communicating and basically began living separate lives - yelling and outlasting the other person merely prolongs the agony


Ace, have you read this article? Now I know why
you don't want to get married.

"The divorce rate among lawyers appears to be higher than the divorce rate among other professionals. Felicia Baker LeClere of Notre Dame's Center for the Study of Contemporary Society compared the incidence of divorce among lawyers to the incidence of divorce among doctors, using data from the 1990 census. LeClere found that the percentage of lawyers who are divorced is higher than the percentage of doctors who are divorced and that the difference is particularly pronounced among women."

http://lawandletters.blogspot.com/2007/11/why-you-shouldnt-go-to-law-school.html

It's written by a lawyer. Take 5min and see if there's
anything you disagree with. Basically, lawyers are
depressed, arrogant, pill popping, alcoholic, unhappy,
anxious, hostile, paranoid, in debt and suicidal. It's
a real eyeopener.
If you take a risk, you may lose. If you never take a risk, you will always lose.
May 6th, 2014 at 7:34:07 PM permalink
aceofspades
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 83
Posts: 2019
Quote: Evenbob
Ace, have you read this article? Bow I know why
you don't want to get married.

"The divorce rate among lawyers appears to be higher than the divorce rate among other professionals. Felicia Baker LeClere of Notre Dame's Center for the Study of Contemporary Society compared the incidence of divorce among lawyers to the incidence of divorce among doctors, using data from the 1990 census. LeClere found that the percentage of lawyers who are divorced is higher than the percentage of doctors who are divorced and that the difference is particularly pronounced among women."

http://lawandletters.blogspot.com/2007/11/why-you-shouldnt-go-to-law-school.html

It's written by a lawyer. Take 5min and see if there's
anything you disagree with. Basically, lawyers are
depressed, arrogant, pill popping, alcoholic, unhappy,
anxious, hostile, paranoid, in debt and suicidal. It's
a real eyeopener.



Your summary is correct Bob - the profession no longer maintains office space in that ivory tower
May 6th, 2014 at 7:46:27 PM permalink
zippyboy
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 665
Quote: aceofspades
Communication is the biggest issue in divorces - the couples stopped communicating and basically began living separate lives -

EvenBob has stated many times this is how his marriage is. I've lived with my gf for 2.5 years and my relationship is already like this. We avoid any fights, even though I think she does everything wrong, because there's no point. We have lived in opposite ends of the house for the last 14 months. It's disappointing, but I guess we both like it that way, or we'd make more effort. I don't have the sex drive of a 20 yr old anymore, and she's not a 20-yr-old anymore either.

Wizard: when I first moved in there after living alone since my divorce in 2000, there was stress in the way she did things. Basically, I like to do things the efficient way, she prefers the wasteful way. In virtually everything she does. Seriously drives me crazy. I think most arguments are based in respect, not the actual topic. I've read some police reports that say something like "the wife picked up a knife and killed her husband because he snatched the remote away from her". It's not the remote, it's respect, and she'd had enough. Maybe he'd still be alive had they lived in opposite ends of the house like Bob and I do. Who's to say which way is happier?
May 6th, 2014 at 8:06:43 PM permalink
Evenbob
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 146
Posts: 25010
Quote: zippyboy
EvenBob has stated many times this is how his marriage is. I've lived with my gf for 2.5 years and my relationship is already like this. We avoid any fights, even though I think she does everything wrong, because there's no point.


I've quoted Charlton Heston many times on this.
He was married over 50 years and said the secret
is to learn half a dozen ways of saying you're
sorry and you're wrong. Women always want
it their way, he said, just learn to say yes dear,
I'm sorry. And go about doing what you wanted
anyway. A woman will always try and manipulate
you because no matter how smart you are, they
think you're an idiot. Let them think they always
have the upper hand, that's all they really want.
If you take a risk, you may lose. If you never take a risk, you will always lose.
May 6th, 2014 at 8:07:23 PM permalink
aceofspades
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 83
Posts: 2019
Quote: Evenbob
I've quoted Charlton Heston many times on this.
He was married over 50 years and said the secret
is to learn half a dozen ways of saying you're
sorry and you're wrong. Women always want
it their way, he said, just learn to say yes dear,
I'm sorry. And go about doing what you wanted
anyway. A woman will always try and manipulate
you because no matter how smart you are, they
think you're an idiot. Let them think they always
have the upper hand, that's all they really want.




+1
May 6th, 2014 at 9:52:05 PM permalink
1nickelmiracle
Member since: Mar 5, 2013
Threads: 24
Posts: 623
Discussing things rationally also means acting rationally. You would need to try letting things be resolved and not let things go on for hours.
I don't know exactly what to say or do, but you have to set the boundaries. You can offer up choices to not discuss until next week, end the discussion now with resolution, or take back a concession previously agreed on if not one of the two. There's lots of different solutions but you have to negotiate them for both to be satisfied if the decision affects both of you.
May 7th, 2014 at 10:37:09 PM permalink
Tomspur
Member since: Apr 10, 2014
Threads: 4
Posts: 80
Rationale should always win the day but I will admit there are many more ways to go about fighting, win or lose.

For me, the single most important part of a marriage after a fight is to NEVER, EVER go to bed without making up, saying you are sorry, or forgiving the person who may have slighted you.

This, in my head and in my heart is rule no. 1
May 8th, 2014 at 10:55:05 AM permalink
Face
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 61
Posts: 3941
Hmm. No option for "Give In Immediately"? Interesting. I don't know why, but it's interesting =)

I used to do that when I was married. Argue? Pfft. Convince her she was wrong? Guffaw! Ain't no way. Whatever she wanted, whatever she said, that's the way it was. Most times I didn't care, and would often even listen and go along. But, of course, if I didn't agree, then I just did what I wanted. I'm divorced now... lol =)

I learned from that, though. I put my foot down from the jump in my current relationship. I said I yam who I yam, and even if I wanted to change, I just can't. If she can't love me for who I am, then we're not meant to be together. And I told her the same. I don't want her faking anything just to be who she thinks I want her to be. Be yourself, and if it don't work, then it's better to know sooner rather than later.

We fight over nothing. We argue over nothing. I go fishing, she's there. I do yard work, she's there. I go to hockey, she's there. I'm still a loner, but now we're loners together. It's fan-freaking-tastic.

And if I want to do something she doesn't, that's just the way it is. If she wants something that I don't, that's just the way it is. And there's not a mote of resentment between us.

Stay tuned for my next post where I update that my relationships a disaster and I'm single again ;)
Be bold and risk defeat, or be cautious and encourage it.
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