And Now for Something Completely Different...

I know Wiz hates ambiguous thread titles, and for that I'm sorry. I just don't know what to label this as, and it is a break from religious talk =p

The topic for today is "compassion". The advice I'm seeking is "what do you do when it ruins you"?

When is too much? When do you set it aside and go to war? I've never known how to do this, or when it should be done. For this, I mostly blame my mother. Just about every bit of what makes me "nice" is all her fault. It's usually a fantastic characteristic of mine. But sometimes... it really f$%^s up my life.

There are famous people I aspire to be like. Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, the Dalai Lama. See a common thread? I have compassion coming out the ears. But when do you stop being compassionate, and just become a sucker?

There's something I need to do. It is noble, it is just. Of every person I respect, every one of them is 100% behind me doing it. I further have not a question whatsoever that it needs to be done. But if I do it, two people are going to be deeply hurt.

Some would argue that these people deserve the hurt. I wouldn't go that far. Others have argued that the hurt I'm about to impose is exactly like the hurt they imposed on me. And on that front, they're absolutely correct. And everybody states that the hurt is unavoidable, and that's true as well. But still, it gives me pause.

So, how do you cope with that? How do you temper compassion so it is a strength and not a weakness? If you know, I could use the help.

You've heard the expression charity begins at home.
Perhaps so too does compassion. Compassion for others and compassion for yourself.

As Louis L'Amour phrased it "You've got it to do, best you do it quick". When the neophyte Easterner is told he has to kill or be killed. No other choice. Doesn't matter what he would prefer or believes should be the situation; only matters what the situation actually is.

We always do what we want to do, no
matter what advice we get. You already
know what you'll do, what you want from us
is permission. And if you don't get it,
you'll do it anyway. You know it.

I don't think you should think of it as tempering compassion, think of it as embracing it.

Without knowing the details of your situation, think about the good and harm that would be caused by your action. If the greater good outweighs the harm you should probably consider acting on it.

Quote: Evenbob

We always do what we want to do, no
matter what advice we get. You already
know what you'll do, what you want from us
is permission. And if you don't get it,
you'll do it anyway. You know it.

Quote: DRich

I don't think you should think of it as tempering compassion, think of it as embracing it.

Without knowing the details of your situation, think about the good and harm that would be caused by your action. If the greater good outweighs the harm you should probably consider acting on it.

Sorry for the lack of details. I just wanted a sort of "wide opinion" rather than a focused one. I also wanted time to contemplate the issue myself before receiving direct influence.

But to be clear, the decision had already been made before I posted. The reason I'm asking is that Ash pointed it out to me, and it got me thinking. This has been a characteristic of mine forever, and I've no reason to think it will change. Somewhere down the road I'll be tested again, so I wanted opinions to use for later.

I dunno. It's just driving me nuts. Not acting, acting, both have been just miserable. I'll post details sometime soon.

Quote: Face

Sorry for the lack of details. I just wanted a sort of "wide opinion" rather than a focused one. I also wanted time to contemplate the issue myself before receiving direct influence.

But to be clear, the decision had already been made before I posted. The reason I'm asking is that Ash pointed it out to me, and it got me thinking. This has been a characteristic of mine forever, and I've no reason to think it will change. Somewhere down the road I'll be tested again, so I wanted opinions to use for later.

I dunno. It's just driving me nuts. Not acting, acting, both have been just miserable. I'll post details sometime soon.

tough choices, not sure what to tell you but help as long as you..re not putting yourself in jeopardy. They probably won't help you if you ever needed it so don't let compassion get you there. If the case guide them as your help. If they're hanging in danger and/or you..re the only one on Earth possibly with means and motivation to help, helping is more a duty and you have to be the guy until they're safe.

Is it Viagra? You made the right choice, not
something I would know personally, however.
And you're so young.

Quote: Evenbob

Is it Viagra? You made the right choice, not
something I would know personally, however.
And you're so young.

I said it would hurt two people, and I've not yet made a post discussing my polyamory ;)

The subject is my kid. While it's very personal, I received so much good from posting about my divorce that I'd be a fool to not try it again.

Basically, my ex and I have been working with each other using a sort of tenuous and conflict ridden series of compromises. It's come to the point where I feel that the direct issue at hand is my son's long term well-being, and I can no longer compromise. The custody arrangement we have now must end.

That thought does not bring me guilt. I have no question that I will look back in ten years, and regardless of the outcome, I will know that this challenge was the right thing to do. That's not the issue. That's not the "permission" I'm seeking.

I can't help but feel guilty that this will hurt his mother and her mother. I look at the situation and see that this is simply a case of not agreeing. We've talked, we've dealed, we've compromised, but we're just never going to agree. Therefore, it is necessary to have an outside arbiter, family court, make the decision for us. Easy peasy, now there's nothing left to argue about.

I just wanted acceptance of that. I could never get it; neither did I have the belief (or the balls) necessary to just do it anyway.

But now I have to. And I find it agonizing. I've been advised by counsel to not discuss it; let the summons in the mail fill her in. The very thought makes me nauseous. I had to mislead someone to get her address. That felt grimy. And now I have to sit and wait for someone to drop this on her head a week from Xmas.

Some say turnabout is fair play. She left me out of the blue on Xmas, what do I feel bad about? The thought brings me no relief. It doesn't even register as something that matters. Some say I'm doing the right thing, and I've question of it. That is also not the issue. I just don't understand why we can't agree to disagree and handle it, rather choosing to do things surreptitiously and, to be frank, nastily.

I asked how you can "temper compassion" because I think I've let this problem go on too long. I probably should have acted sooner, but I was trying to do things... right, I guess. I wanted to be reasonable, I didn't want to destroy anybody. And that is something I do quite often. Jesus Christ, look at my assault this spring! I did nothing in retaliation. I called no cops, I informed no supervisor. A bump in the night now puts me in full alert mode, but I just accept that pain. I just accept and deal, focusing all my energy on not harboring hate. On not letting myself unravel. And I do a lot of things to help that process, but shifting that pain to where it might be better deserved never even crosses my mind. Why would I? What would that solve?

So I soak it. And mostly it makes me stronger. But sometimes, it's a real f$%^ing bitch to deal with.

I'm known to be pragmatic. If something tough needs to be done, you do it. It ain't gonna get easier, just do it and move on. High stress or emergency situations? I'm your man. But this stuff just brings me to a full stop. When it comes to causing someone pain, I breakdown, often times to my own pain. That's what I mean by tempering compassion, that's what I mean by a weakness and not a strength.

How do you just say "whatever" and do what needs to be done? How do you force yourself to care less?

Quote: Face

I said it would hurt two people, and I've not yet made a post discussing my polyamory ;)

We used to call that 'swinging'.

Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.