And Now for Something Completely Different...

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December 8th, 2014 at 6:00:26 PM permalink
Evenbob
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 146
Posts: 25010
So you got custody and feel bad because
it hurts your wife? So don't accept it and
see how that makes you feel. I bet you
won't do that. You feel guilt because you
got something you wanted and it will
hurt someone else. And you aren't even
a Christian, we're not supposed to have
feelings or even know right from wrong.
If you take a risk, you may lose. If you never take a risk, you will always lose.
December 8th, 2014 at 6:06:23 PM permalink
Ayecarumba
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 89
Posts: 1744
I don't think you can separate this subject from a higher calling. Otherwise it would not be "compassion", but self-serving in some way. If it is compassion, the Webster's defined, "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it"; I believe it comes from someplace outside ourselves. It is a gift. In its true form, it is always a strength, never a weakness.

It sounds like your dilemma is not about knowing what the right thing to do is, but about minimizing the hurt to those who will be affected by your actions. This is noble, but truth trumps temporary pain. When everyone eventually moves beyond it, I think they will realize that you did right; and if they don't, at least you, on the advice of trusted counsel, know that it was right, and can hold your head up with honor.
December 8th, 2014 at 6:12:35 PM permalink
Evenbob
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 146
Posts: 25010
The big problem is, they're saying your wife
isn't fit for custody, which is a rare thing. She
must really not be in a big way, so you should
take solace in the fact you're getting your son.
It's his well being that's at stake here, you and
your wife are incidental, his needs come first.

It's better she be hurt now than your son later.
If you take a risk, you may lose. If you never take a risk, you will always lose.
December 8th, 2014 at 6:24:53 PM permalink
Ayecarumba
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 89
Posts: 1744
Quote: Face
The subject is my kid...


If you have truly exhausted the resources availble to you without getting the courts involved, you have no choice but to use them as the next step. Remember that the pain you are feeling was not all of your own doing. It was brought on you with the split, and you are still working through it. Unfortunately, the courts will probably come up with a split time formula, as they are very reluctant to completely shut out a parent's rights unless their behavior is criminal.

I would not look at it as caring "less", but caring "more" about your son and what is best for everyone in the long run. Speak the truth. Trust the system to see the facts for what they are.
December 8th, 2014 at 7:52:26 PM permalink
FrGamble
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 67
Posts: 7596
I don't think the problem is your compassion and your good heart, for God's sake don't temper that. It might be that you are allowing your compassion to override your virtue of justice. The two are meant to work in tandem not at odds with each other. We have compassion for someone meaning that we understand and empathize with them, this keeps us from making us bitter towards them, hating them, or judging them too harshly. However, compassion should not stop us from acting in righteous anger or for a desire for justice. This is often a curse for the Christian. We feel like we need to love the other person, even one who has done us wrong, and it paralyzes us from looking at the other side of the coin namely that justice and the right thing needs to be done - especially when it involves another person. When we allow this beautiful compassion to delay or sometimes stop us from acting for justice, the need for justice doesn't go away, it just builds up behind the artificial dam of niceness, till something explodes. Unfortunately it seems like a lot of water has built up and your compassion, as heroic as it is, cannot and should not hold it back any longer. My only advice is when this painful gushing force of delayed justice hits us and those we care about remember that compassion and use it for what it has been given to you for - not to stop you from doing what you know is right, but rather to help you care for and empathize with those who have done wrong.
“It is with the smallest brushes that the artist paints the most exquisitely beautiful pictures.” (
December 8th, 2014 at 8:32:38 PM permalink
rxwine
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 188
Posts: 18631
I like nice clean solutions. PITA when things won't accommodate you. Sometimes there are elegant solutions to difficult problems. Sometimes you just have to roll with what you've got.
You believe in an invisible god, and dismiss people who say they are trans? Really?
December 9th, 2014 at 9:31:33 AM permalink
Face
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 61
Posts: 3941
Quote: FrGamble
It might be that you are allowing your compassion to override your virtue of justice. The two are meant to work in tandem not at odds with each other. {snip} However, compassion should not stop us from acting in righteous anger or for a desire for justice. This is often a curse for the Christian. We feel like we need to love the other person, even one who has done us wrong, and it paralyzes us from looking at the other side of the coin namely that justice and the right thing needs to be done - especially when it involves another person. When we allow this beautiful compassion to delay or sometimes stop us from acting for justice, the need for justice doesn't go away, it just builds up behind the artificial dam of niceness, till something explodes.


Boom. Nailed it. This is exactly what I mean.

When she moved to Fla, I wouldn't allow her to take my son. I didn't regret that decision then and don't regret it now. I wanted my son at that point, but didn't take him fully due to outside circumstances (my work schedule, his school). I also don't regret that.

But when my work issues were no longer an issue, and his schooling was no longer an issue, I delayed fighting for him strictly because it wasn't what she wanted. We simply disagreed what was in his best interest, and I was fine with allowing the courts to decide, one way or the other. But she disagreed completely about him going to me, and disagreed completely about going to court. It was my compassion, my wish to take her feelings into account and not hurt her if I could prevent it, which ultimately caused me to relent. And, for this last year, that is a choice that has caused regret.

I've run this decision through my mental checklist, and it all checks out. I'm not being vindictive, there's not an ounce of revenge within my choice. I'm not being rash or impulsive, I'm not looking at things one-sided, and the decision wasn't hasty. I am completely convinced, heart and mind, that it's the right thing to do. Yet I stalled. I waited. All because I didn't want to hurt someone.

That's a problem. And that's why I posted.
Be bold and risk defeat, or be cautious and encourage it.
December 9th, 2014 at 9:45:28 AM permalink
Face
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 61
Posts: 3941
Thanks also to EB and Aye for the kind words. You're both completely right, and I thank you.
Be bold and risk defeat, or be cautious and encourage it.
December 9th, 2014 at 11:09:41 AM permalink
Evenbob
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 146
Posts: 25010
Quote: Face
Boom. Nailed it. This is exactly what I mean.
.


But you're not a Christian. How could you
possibly have all these feelings without the
moral compass of religion to guide you.

So confusing.
If you take a risk, you may lose. If you never take a risk, you will always lose.
December 9th, 2014 at 11:27:56 AM permalink
FrGamble
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 67
Posts: 7596
I refuse to allow our religious discussion to hijack this thread, so suffice it to say that if all people have a moral compass because they are created in the image and likeness of God.
“It is with the smallest brushes that the artist paints the most exquisitely beautiful pictures.” (
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