Zen and the Love of Hockey

Zen, like most things religious, makes no sense to me. Once one starts talking about the supernatural, my brain disconnects. However, Zen, unlike any other, has given me the greatest gift I’ve ever received – Shikantaza. Literally, “just sitting”.

Shikantaza is sort of the beginner’s level meditation. You needn’t search for enlightenment, or even expect it. You just sit. The goal is to observe thoughts, yet not assign any value to them. You just let them come, then let them go. That in itself is a right bitch to accomplish. A decade later, and I still can’t do it at will. But I have my moments.

When I learned about reflection I was intrigued. When I began practicing it, it was much like shikantaza. A lot of “doing”, but never really knowing what you’re doing. But eventually, much like any other practiced skill, you suddenly look around and realize you’re doing it. You “got it”. Reflection is now not only part of my daily routine, but something I do several times a day.

These skills have completely changed my life. I’ve always been, as EB always points out, nuts. A little bit crazy. “Krazy” is actually one of my nicknames, given long ago. I suffered from spontaneity coupled with low levels of common sense and control. If something struck me as having the potential for reward, I just did it with little to no thought of consequence. Often times, this ended badly.

Being a “thinker”, I was an overanalyzer. I’d come upon one of those bad results and drive myself insane thinking about it over and over and over again. I truly believe this habit caused a depression which was in large part a cause of my addiction issues. I had no control over my spontaneity, no control over the results, and no control over the resulting overanalyzing. Round and round we went.

Shikantaza and reflection were two powerful tools, but I needed one more. Risk/reward. Risk/reward is my way of deciding whether a decision, any decision, is worth doing. It could be attempting a difficult stunt, it could be taking a new job, it could be entering a new relationship, it can be anything at all. Assign value to reward, subtract value of risk multiplied by probability of risk coming true. If remainder is positive, do it. Simple as that. Shikantaza is there to observe this thought without assigning emotion to it. Fear, worry, greed, lust, POOF. Those don’t exist. Those don’t influence the decision. The decision is logical, emotions are not. All decisions are made using nothing but simple fact. Risk/reward.

Reflection comes after the decision is followed through. What happened, why’d it happen, how’d it happen, all that stuff. Shikantaza allows me to reflect without getting into a hyperanalyzing loop. Just see, understand, move on. Keep the info for the next risk/reward calculation, but otherwise forget it.

The level of simplicity this has injected into my life is beyond words to explain. The level of stress it has removed is boundless. The amount of happiness I have found is without measure. Indeed, life has become “simple”.

What’s this have to do with hockey? Well, nothing and everything, of course ;)

I was just thinking about my injury, reflecting on it. Retreading the path that led me to it, and beginning my risk/reward calculation for playing today on a torn calf. And in doing so, I fell in love with hockey all over again.

I can see everything as if it was happening right now, like a flash photograph. We had the puck, our left winger in possession, just about to take the zone. The center and right wing were perpendicular to him, also about to enter the zone. I had just crossed my own blue line, my D partner was about to cross the red line. I was in “float” mode. I saw we hadn’t gained control of the zone, saw my winger had no outlet, saw him facing a stout challenge to gain the zone. I couldn’t “attack” as we didn’t have overwhelming control, and gaining control was not yet assured. I had to “float”, that is, be in position to attack without giving up the neutral zone. I saw all this in one instant, quick as a flash from a camera. “Instant knowledge”.

In the next “flash”, their winger attacked the puck. Their center turned to assist the attack. Both my center and winger likewise turned in reaction to assist. The puck was knocked free. 3 of my guys and two of theirs converge on the loose rubber. I switch from “float” to “float retreat” as I see their winger who wasn’t engaged in the play begin to break out and attack the neutral zone toward me. The puck is slapped out of the scrum.

Next “flash”, puck is on the tape of the attacking winger in the neutral zone. He’s on a full rush, I the only defender still back. “Float retreat” turns into “full defense”. He comes right up the middle. I angle to shut the middle down. He sees my angle and breaks to the outside and gives a burst. I see his break and change angle with a burst of my own. I have to keep him outside, I can’t let him beat me the long way around. I see he’s gonna beat me anyway.

Next “flash”, I hard cut to pinch him at the boards, giving up my defense of the middle to prevent being beat the long way around. He sees my cut and cuts hard to the now open middle. I see his cut and reverse my cut right into him.

Next “flash”, two options. Lead with my stick as we converge, hoping to knock the puck off his stick. If I do, the puck is mine and I have my full momentum to break out and turn the tide. If I miss, he has free reign on my undefended goalie. Or I can lead with my shoulder and catch him right in the chest. This will take me out of the rest of the play, but it will also take him out of the play. In an instant, I remember he’s on a break and all alone. If I go for puck and miss, he’s got a shot. If I take him out, there’s no one there to take the loose puck. Risk/reward.

I lean in and absolutely smoke him, one of those great hits that make your opponent involuntarily expel all his air audibly. And my and his coupled momentum overloads my planted leg and tears my calf. The puck dribbles harmlessly into the corner where my D partner retrieves it, and so we begin another break out. Play over.

From that “first flash” that started this replay to the tearing of my calf took all of 6 or 7 seconds. Six or Seven Seconds.

And that’s why I love hockey. Some just see a bunch of angry, violent white men smashing each other with clubs and knives for 60 minutes, and it is. But what it also is is a hyperspeed match of strategical warfare. No other sport requires such intense and constant brainpower. Football is 5 seconds of brute force followed by 25 seconds of rest, 10 seconds of simple thought, then another 5 seconds of brute force. Baseball is mostly daydreaming interrupted by a jog every now and then. But hockey is 90 straight seconds of the most intense physical and mental exertion one is capable of, followed by 90 seconds of nothing but willing your heart to keep beating and your lungs to keep aerating, and then you’re over the boards for another 90 seconds of the most intense physical and mental exertion one is capable of.

It’s a beautiful thing. I’m thankful Zen has given me the ability to appreciate and see deep into what hockey means to me, to recollect with such clarity events that transpire, and the mind frame to stay positive despite the toll my actions have taken on my physical being. In short, life is good =)

Risk/Reward for playing tonight -

Reward – Playing (value of reward out of 100) 72

Risk – Aggrivating tear – (value of risk) 90 x (probability of happening) 0.95 x (percent of me that will care) – 0.22
Increasing tear – 100 x 0.35 x 1
Complete tear – 100 x 0.15 x 1

72 – {[(90 x 0.95) x .22] + [(100 x 0.35) x 1] + [(100 x 0.15) x 1]} = +3.19

Positive value = Game On!

I have a new head strap for my GoPro like Wiz so I'm gonna try again to get some footage. Don't expect too much as I suspect I'll be a tad slow for this game. And if you should so happen to hear me scream in pain like a wee lass, don't tell Buzz ;)

It's actually -3.19, but it doesn't matter. If it was
-100 you'd still do it, so what's the difference.
The only thing that will sideline you is a permanent
injury, then fishing will be your hobby from then
on.

Quote: Evenbob

It's actually -3.19, but it doesn't matter.

72 - 68.81?

Quote: EvenBob

If it was
-100 you'd still do it, so what's the difference.

-100, no. I might be crazy, but I'm not stupid. Even +3 is low enough to make me stop and think.

Quote: EvenBob

The only thing that will sideline you is a permanent
injury, then fishing will be your hobby from then
on.

This is pretty much spot on. But really, why else would someone voluntarily quit something?

Life is short, and you only get one. When it comes to physical stuff, you peak damn early and it's all downhill from there. Whether I smash myself to bits now or try to save my physical stature for later, it's all gonna end in disability, then death. So why save it? Why not enjoy what I have, when I have it?

Nothing can fix my calf. Whether I baby it until it heals or rip it right in half later tonight, it's gonna be just another in a long list of nagging injuries I'll have until I die. Should I stop because of it? I can't find a rational reason to do that. Maybe I'll do something to end my career which will cause me to miss out on future games, or I can make a choice to bow out and definitely miss out on future games. If I want to avoid missing games, why would I make the choice that will definitely cause me to do that?

I suppose I'm a modern day Icarus.

Quote: Face

Life is short, and you only get one. When it comes to physical stuff, you peak damn early and it's all downhill from there. Whether I smash myself to bits now or try to save my physical stature for later, it's all gonna end in disability, then death. So why save it?

You're adopting a fatalistic attitude as an excuse
to do what you want to do. There is most of your
life still in front of you, tearing your body to pieces
now so you can pay for it later is the opposite of
wisdom. But you know all that.

Quote: Evenbob

You're adopting a fatalistic attitude as an excuse
to do what you want to do. There is most of your
life still in front of you, tearing your body to pieces
now so you can pay for it later is the opposite of
wisdom. But you know all that.

Interesting. Something to think about. Perhaps a reexamination is in order.

Certainly, my comments are an oversimplification. I obviously don't want to blow out all my bits and pieces, and I have missed games due to injury where I felt I should no longer push it. It's just... I dunno. You got me thinking too deep to communicate now.

Time to brush up on my philosophy.

There's mising 2-3 games while you heal over missing 10-50 while you heal a major tear over never playing again. The last is a pretty minor risk, to be sure.

But it's your calf, you know how it feels. I could walk when I did mine in, and play ball, but running more than one base was agony.

Quote: TheCesspit

There's mising 2-3 games while you heal over missing 10-50 while you heal a major tear over never playing again. The last is a pretty minor risk, to be sure.

Of course. I suppose this is why I don't hit the casinos, yet am active on a gambling site. Just because I'm tight with money don't mean I don't like to gamble ;)

Quote: TheCessPit

But it's your calf, you know how it feels. I could walk when I did mine in, and play ball, but running more than one base was agony.

Oh, I can't even walk. I'm still on crutches, and running is the furthest thing from my mind. But you've skated, you know that skating is totally different from walking. Pointing my toes down hurts a treat. Pointing them up causes me to squeak in a sort of restrained scream. Fortunately, skating requires me to do neither. Walking, on the other hand...

It actually went even better than I thought. There was tightness, a sort of ever present warning from my calf saying "hey, you push it and I'm taking you down". And I was definitely shy about sharp cuts or bursts of speed. But the only time I registered pain was on the bench, and it actually felt 300% better after the game. It sort of worked out all the tenseness and tightness that had built up. It still had that "slice" feeling of pain directly where it's torn, but all the surrounding tension had vanished and my calf finally loosened up and didn't feel like a rock anymore.

This morning is a different story entirely, but it was nice to have that little reprieve ;)

Quote: Face

This morning is a different story entirely, but it was nice to have that little reprieve ;)

That would be from all the increased blood
flow to the area. Take that away and your
worse off than you started. Maybe you can
play at 50% your normal capacity, but the
slightest wrong move and it's a BassMaster
boat that you'll be seeing for the next 3 decades.

I would certainly wrap the calf tightly in an Ace
bandage before you play, to give it some support.
Even brace the ankle so it restricts the up and
down movement of the foot, which is mostly moved
by the calf muscle.

When you sit on the bench, keep the leg stretched
straight out in front of you to keep the muscle from
contracting. You might make it out alive.

Quote: Evenbob

That would be from all the increased blood
flow to the area. Take that away and your
worse off than you started. Maybe you can
play at 50% your normal capacity, but the
slightest wrong move and it's a BassMaster
boat that you'll be seeing for the next 3 decades.

This is worded like a warning, but it sounds like a wet dream =D

Quote: EvenBob

I would certainly wrap the calf tightly in an Ace
bandage before you play, to give it some support.
Even brace the ankle so it restricts the up and
down movement of the foot, which is mostly moved
by the calf muscle.

The Ace bandage must be on the list of the top 5 inventions of man. It's like duct tape for the body.

I certainly wrapped it, and it was like a miracle. I couldn't get it too tight as it is ridiculously sensitive to touch, but it worked a treat.

Quote: EvenBob

When you sit on the bench, keep the leg stretched
straight out in front of you to keep the muscle from
contracting. You might make it out alive.

This I couldn't do. Too tall. I didn't really have any issues after about my second shift, but this is crucial advice for right now. I gotta remember to move and loosen it every 10 minutes or so or it locks right up.

Quote: Face

Of course. I suppose this is why I don't hit the casinos, yet am active on a gambling site. Just because I'm tight with money don't mean I don't like to gamble ;)



Oh, I can't even walk. I'm still on crutches, and running is the furthest thing from my mind. But you've skated, you know that skating is totally different from walking. Pointing my toes down hurts a treat. Pointing them up causes me to squeak in a sort of restrained scream. Fortunately, skating requires me to do neither. Walking, on the other hand...

I put ice skates on and went on the ice. It's very generous of you to say it was skating. But I can see why. You'll still be using the muscles for support (and depending on which calf muscle, using it in your feet as well for general balance), but yeah, much less.

Quote:

It actually went even better than I thought. There was tightness, a sort of ever present warning from my calf saying "hey, you push it and I'm taking you down". And I was definitely shy about sharp cuts or bursts of speed. But the only time I registered pain was on the bench, and it actually felt 300% better after the game. It sort of worked out all the tenseness and tightness that had built up. It still had that "slice" feeling of pain directly where it's torn, but all the surrounding tension had vanished and my calf finally loosened up and didn't feel like a rock anymore.

It'll be a bit like getting a good massage roller on it, getting the blood in there, breaking up some of the scar tissue that will start to form. I refer you back to the the comments about the two physio's I had massaging my calves.... they did a lot of good.

But you are a braver man than me going back out there not fully recovered. My break did me some good... it made me realize how much I enjoy the running. It's a stupid sport. There no mental work out. It's repetitive and mostly competing with yourself. You end up where you started on most runs, and rarely get to 'enjoy the scenery'. But, somehow, it works for me better than any other sport I've tried except for American Football.

Quote:

This morning is a different story entirely, but it was nice to have that little reprieve ;)

It's when it's two days after you have to really worry... :)