Random Thought of the Day

Heck,,,,, don't you still got custody of that clever kid? He will fix it in a jiffy....may need a ladder though. Sic him to it.

Quote: Evenbob

This is your pattern, though, You're
your own worst enemy. For some
reason your favor self destruction
over harmony. Who knows why. You'd
rather let yourself be overcome by
frothing anger, which is very bad for
your health, than take a calm approach.

I wouldn't call this self destruction. I think (from my perspective) that you're mixing a few things.

This light bulb thing is a desire to grow. I found a weakness inside myself, an inability to stop something, or maybe just an inability to focus. Not sure what it is, and it's that lack of knowing that keeps me pushing. I have to know things. I should have control of all my actions. Yet I don't, and I don't. So we conduct a little experiment to gather some data.

My reaction is perhaps concerning, and on it, I've not much to say. Trust me, I've gone down every list I could find thrice and haven't found an answer to my anger. Genetics? Too many shots to the nuts and now my testosterone is stuck on 11? CTE? It's sure not physical or emotional trauma, or sex abuse, or any of the other common causes of the crazy. It just "is". It came around 14-15 and pops in every now and again ever since.

Quote: EB

You've often said you're amazed you're
even still alive. You need to figure out
why you act in certain ways, why you
hate yourself so much, and stop doing
it.

"Why I act" I've got mostly licked. "Why I hate" will never be answered. There's just no reason for it. So I accept, and move on in the best way I know how.

Quote: EB

And just
change the damn bulb and get on with
your life. Geez..

I will. Just got a brain that needs to be shown who's boss first...

Quote: Face

Cuz one more time could be the dissolver, of the spirit of this problem solver, and then you'll have to grab your revolver,
And with your luck it would probably just "click"

How can you afford such good drugs..

Quote: Evenbob

How can you afford such good drugs..

I was just playing Minecraft for about an hour. Stopped that and came here. Read this comment. It was 832p.

Got up to get a drink, went right to that f#$%ing switch.

Flick.

Quote: Face

I was just playing Minecraft for about an hour. Stopped that and came here. Read this comment. It was 832p.

Got up to get a drink, went right to that f#$%ing switch.

Flick.

You've been flicking it since you were in 2nd
grade. Why do you think you can kick that
over night. It's part of who you are.

Quote: Ayecarumba

Ohh boy, good stuff! Thanks Face, I enjoyed that.

Thank you, Aye =)

Quote: Evenbob

You've been flicking it since you were in 2nd
grade. Why do you think you can kick that
over night. It's part of who you are.

Kindergarten*

And it hasn't been overnight. I just passed 2 months, 2 months of 3 - 10 reminders a day, every single day.

When I flicked that GD thing yesterday and then came here to tell y'all, I was just about in tears. I wrote what I wrote, immediately got up out of my chair, and walked directly into the kitchen. That was the FIRST time I avoided that switch. I thought that was it. That was gonna break it. The writing, the trauma, and now success, I just created a new path which will be followed as long as I like. I came back from the kitchen, sat down, forgot something, got up, AND WENT RIGHT TO THE F@#$%ING SWITCH!!!11!

This is it. The VR has a bug and I've located it. I found the glitch in the Matrix. If I happen to go missing, fear not, for I have won my freedom O.o

But real talk,... before we went off on a "How crazy is Face" tangent, I really do think something is here. Maybe y'all are already aware and this is just "new to me", but it's a bit of a look into the mind and habits for me. I may think of smoking as a "habit", but there's a multitude of biologic processes involved. Habit, yes, but there's also real dependency and real addiction. This here is nothing but pure habit. I get no pleasure from either participating or refusing, there is no OCD tie in or other psychological issues, it's nothing but pure habit. And it is shocking to me that I have zero power to stop it. Not even to slow it or steer it in another direction. It's like alien hand syndrome, only it's my entire self.

Weird stuff. I'm gonna carry on with this, see it to the end.

The trick is not to bend the spoon, the trick is to realize there is no spoon.

Spoon boy, "The Matrix"

Quote: Face

Kindergarten*

Your making more out of this
than is really there. To break a
habit, you have to change
things leading up to the habit.

To quit smoking, quit buying
them. Get rid of everything
smoking related. It works, try
it.

On the flick. Take small box
and put it over the switch
and tape it to the wall. Take
a thin rod and put a small
hand made flag on the end
and stick the rod thru the box
so can be seen by you before
you get to it. You will not flick.
Do this for a week and remove
the box and your flicking days
will be over. Box is cardboard,
obviously.

Make the flag stick into the
doorway, if's that's what's going
on. Just so you see the flag
before you get to the switch.

Habits can be broken if things
around the habit change. You
drive the same truck for 5
years. Your hand automatically
goes to the ignition. You get
a different truck and your hand,
for awhile, goes to the old spot.
But so much has changed, the
old habit won't last long.

Quote: Evenbob

Your making more out of this
than is really there. To break a
habit, you have to change
things leading up to the habit.

You're missing my point. The habit is mine. My actions. My brain. If I (my, me, mine) want it to stop, I should have the ability to do so. Quitting smoking is easy, right? You just don't do it. Here's a cig right in front of me. I do not want to smoke it. And here I am, not smoking it. And I'm not smoking it now, or even now.

It's easy. It's completely normal, because it's your brain. You have to tell it to "do". If I tell it "do not", as I am now, I do not do the thing. Just a second ago I forgot about the cig in front of me. It is not now magically in my mouth and lit. I did not grab for it, or lift it, or affect it in any way, because... I just didn't. I did not tell my brain to move my arm and hand and pick it up. So it didn't happen.

That's what this light should be. And I (thought I) understand habits. New truck, new shoes, new toothbrush, whatever. You're going to have a few days of doing it the old (wrong) way. But as an aside, I ain't wrote the wrong year on a date in January in over 5 years. I tell myself "No more 2015", and not one check has been scribbled all year. Because that's how your brain should work, you see? But even that I can forgive. For a bit.

It's been a bit. If it was November and you're still writing "2015" AND you have put in considerable effort to stop 2015 BUT have never not once ever written it right,... it makes you wonder. Jesus man, last night I wrote all about it and the minute I hit "send" I got up. My first action was to go flick that light. That's weird to me. It's like there is a missing pathway in my head that prevents the connection between this specific thought and action. I'm absolutely fascinated with it.

I can break this with a trick, no problem. Rubber band, sign, cardboard box, I'd be "cured" by Friday. But I'm not interested in the stopping. This is about control.

Quote: Face

This is about control.

Hmmm...

You'll stop eventually. You've been hard wired
for 30 years to flick, I don't get why you think
you can just stop immediately. It's being right
handed and deciding to use your left hand for
everything. How long to break that habit, do
you think.