Random Thought of the Day

Quote: petroglyph

Quote: Face

What a weird thing, the brain...

So next time I go for a smoke, I hit that other switch. Nothing. And then of course another double flick because I'm still human and still an idiot. Still nothing. Right there I know the bulb is out. Again, this is mid-February.

Well, I didn't want to change it. Dunno why or what was going on at the time, but I didn't feel like faffing with the glass dome of the ceiling fan and left it. An hour later it's time to smoke again, and FLICK! You idiot, the light's out. Go smoke in the dark, mindless human. Another hour, another smoke, FLICK! Go for my chocolate milk, FLICK! Another smoke, FLICK!

A couple observations if I might? This is proof, "that our possessions own us". The light switch is the master and you are the slave. The light switch has made you it's bitch. As have the cigarettes. I can hear them talking when you are asleep, you know what they are saying? Where's the bi***! One says to the other, just wait she'll be along shortly, toggle me, and puff on you. Ain't life grand? The light switch doesn't care whether or not the light comes on, it only cares that you give it attention. It probably only wants to be acknowledged? Next time you flick it, admit who is the boss, and maybe it will leave you alone? Denial won't work, it will only prolong the agony. The switch demands your surrender. All hail the switch.

#2, Obviously it is your brain, begging you to quit smoking. : )

Quote: Ayecarumba

Hahaha... I think the Siren call of the VP machine does the same thing. Reprogramming takes some time without external help. Get a rubberband and keep it on your wrist. Everytime you flick the switch, immediately snap the rubberband so that you feel its sting and associate it with the switch. You should be on the road to conscious relations with the switch pretty quickly.

Quote: Face

That's both the weird part, and the part that's pissing me off.

It's my brain. My brain is me. It cannot do anything without me telling it, and I cannot do anything without it allowing me to.

And it KNOWS! It knows the damn light is out!

There are infinite ways to "fix" this. I could do the ol negative stimulus, as you prescribed. I could glue a tack on the switch. I could swath it in police tape. I could remove it entirely. I could leave here and go live in the woods for the rest of ever. Or I could just take 90sec and replace the damn bulb.

But I won't. It's MY brain. It IS me. If I know the bulb don't work, and I don't want to flick the switch anymore, then GD it, that's what should happen. I can understand a slip, I can understand habit guiding my autopilot. But if I am adamant that "I will not do this" and yet I just keep doing it, it really really bothers me. Especially when, every single day for the last two months, I have not had one successful avoidance. Not one time did I just pass it, or head toward it and catch myself. I just keep flicking it like an idiot.

Something about this put a hook in my brain that I can't get out. I will not change until I beat this by sheer force of will and nothing else. Maybe I've lost it, but it feels important. I do not want a thing, I have no desire to do that thing, I want to remove myself as far as possible from this thing,... but in three and a half hours from now... FLICK!

There's something here. I can't let it go.

Quote: The Bible

Romans 7:15-20

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

New International Version (NIV)

Quote: Face

What a weird thing, the brain...

So I have a light out. I live in a ranch which, for those unfamiliar, is sort of like a trailer. It's one floor, long, and it's sort of split down the middle by a load bearing wall. One half is dominated by the kitchen, the other half is bedrooms, bathroom, etc.

Over the years I have come to basically use just two lights in the house. I use the kitchen light, which I suppose is the #1 light because I use it the most, and the hallway light is for all the rest. I can't even remember the last time I flicked a room switch, as the hallway light (light #2) is sufficient to light up any room in that half of the house. Hell, most of the time even the kitchen light is enough, hence it being #1.

Well, it went out. Near as I can figure, it went out around 2/18. And then, things got weird.

I noticed it as soon as it was out obviously, what with being light #1. I flick it and nothing happens. At that moment I of course immediately flicked it down and then back up, because I am human and humans are stupid things. Still, the light didn't work. First thing to pop in my head was the other switch. If one of the two switches rest on a "half flick", neither switch will work. So next time I go for a smoke, I hit that other switch. Nothing. And then of course another double flick because I'm still human and still an idiot. Still nothing. Right there I know the bulb is out. Again, this is mid-February.

Well, I didn't want to change it. Dunno why or what was going on at the time, but I didn't feel like faffing with the glass dome of the ceiling fan and left it. An hour later it's time to smoke again, and FLICK! You idiot, the light's out. Go smoke in the dark, mindless human. Another hour, another smoke, FLICK! Go for my chocolate milk, FLICK! Another smoke, FLICK!

OK, OK,... I've been in this house for 30 years. I'm not gonna break a 30 year habit in an hour. But as the days go by, I just keep flicking. It hasn't dawned on me yet, it hasn't become an issue yet. I just get up, flick, and say to myself "Oh, right." No big deal.

Like, two whole weeks pass, and I'm still flicking that goddamn switch. Now it's bothering me. And I know the bulb is a simple thing; I could've swapped it in the time it took me to write my intro. But now I notice this weird habit, and now I WILL NOT change it. I WILL NOT, because I keep flicking this damn switch and it's bothering me that I keep doing it.

For awhile, maybe even a long while, it was out of consciousness. Not until I flicked it would I be all "ye stupid dolt". But after maybe 3-4 weeks, I felt it sink in. I know it's out. I'm looking right at it right now. The damnable thing is OUT. It's SHUT. It is BROKEN.

I can't stop flicking this f#$%ing switch. This week has been the worst so far. I will head for the switch. The switch will enter my consciousness. I will recognize, sort of faintly in the background of my mind, an acknowledgement of the switch that is unlike any of the other systems we take for granted and never think about. It's almost like a quiet voice saying "switch. don't." I can feel a part of my brain pull away and acknowledge the thought. And then I flick that f#$%ing switch. One time I swear I gave just the slightest of pauses... and then I flicked the SOB anyways.

2 months this has been going on. TWO MONTHS. Now that we're on DST, I (would) use that light maybe 2-3 times a night. And I still flick that GD switch 2-3 times a day. It's to the point I'm thinking about it on my route, on my commute, hell, we're 5 hours from darkness and I'm thinking about it now.

Isn't it weird? I've certainly experienced similar before. How many times have you picked up an empty can during the big game, forgetting that you've drained it and haven't yet gotten a refill? But even in that distracted state, you remember after the 2nd or 3rd empty grab. Why in all of the hells can't I break this habit of flicking this switch? Why can't I just remember it's out and leave it go?

It's driving me completely batty. I've everything I need to stop, yet just cannot stop.

So starts month #3. Perhaps writing about it will send the idea home and make it stick. I ain't changing that bastard until I've got it.

Quote: beachbumbabs

You really should be writing for a wider audience. This has as much rhythm, depth, and suspense as any of the better Edgar Allan Poe stories. Keep giving us your raw stuff cuz it's fascinating, though.

Oh, and. Flick.

Quote: Face

I can't let it go.

Quote: Face

But now I notice this weird habit, and now I WILL NOT change it. I WILL NOT, .

Quote: Ayecarumba

This is a problem of biblical proportions:

Quote: beachbumbabs

You really should be writing for a wider audience. This has as much rhythm, depth, and suspense as any of the better Edgar Allan Poe stories. Keep giving us your raw stuff cuz it's fascinating, though.

Oh, and. Flick.

Quote: Face

Once upon a midnight dreary...
Once upon a winter's night, do a job and do it right, flick the switch to see the light,
Greeted by sound and dark.
Ignored for now there's stuff to do, and cars to build and bolts to screw, tomorrow's another day anew,
I'll fix it on a lark.
Days go by in nighttime gloom, every time I leave the room, I might fix this pretty soon,
but first I have to see.
In and out and up and down, flick and flick and just makes sound, now we're up to three weeks down,
The f@#$ is wrong with me?
Give it time I'll set it straight, wait for pause or hitch in gait, yet I get up and go straight,
to that goddamned switch on the wall.
Pay attention now you know, the bulb in the dome will not glow, just think straight and take it slow,
by March you'll have it kicked.
But March comes and March goes, and it's only you who truly knows, you found rock bottom and sank below,
And now you're in the s#%$
Write about it couldn't hurt, you never know it could work, your brain just needs a little perk,
To defeat the Demon Flick.
Cuz one more time could be the dissolver, of the spirit of this problem solver, and then you'll have to grab your revolver,
And with your luck it would probably just "click".