Physics, math, science and science fiction jokes

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June 26th, 2016 at 7:02:45 AM permalink
Nareed
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 331
Posts: 11746
“You know," said Arthur, "it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
If Trump where half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he really is.
July 9th, 2016 at 1:15:03 PM permalink
Nareed
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 331
Posts: 11746
Probably Adams' best:

“Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God.
The argument goes something like this: "I refuse to prove that I exist,'" says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," says Man, "The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED."
"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
"Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
If Trump where half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he really is.
July 9th, 2016 at 9:58:20 PM permalink
Pacomartin
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 753
Posts: 8881
Quote: Nareed
Probably Adams' best:


Not a math joke, but a surprisingly insightful observation.

Quote: ― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
It is a well known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.



One of my all time favorites.

Quote: ― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The Total Perspective Vortex derives its picture of the whole Universe on the principle of extrapolated matter analyses.

To explain—since every piece of matter in the Universe is in some way affected by every other piece of matter in the Universe, it is in theory possible to extrapolate the whole of creation—every sun, every planet, their orbits, their composition and their economic and social history from, say, one small piece of fairy cake.

The man who invented the Total Perspective Vortex did so basically in order to annoy his wife.

Trin Tragula—for that was his name—was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

And she would nag him incessantly about the utterly inordinate amount of time he spent staring out into space, or mulling over the mechanics of safety pins, or doing spectrographic analyses of pieces of fairy cake.

"Have some sense of proportion!" she would say, sometimes as often as thirty-eight times in a single day.

And so he built the Total Perspective Vortex—just to show her.

And into one end he plugged the whole of reality as extrapolated from a piece of fairy cake, and into the other end he plugged his wife: so that when he turned it on she saw in one instant the whole infinity of creation and herself in relation to it.

To Trin Tragula's horror, the shock completely annihilated her brain; but to his satisfaction he realized that he had proved conclusively that if life is going to exist in a Universe of this size, then the one thing it cannot afford to have is a sense of proportion.
July 10th, 2016 at 6:40:46 AM permalink
Nareed
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 331
Posts: 11746
Quote: Pacomartin
Not a math joke, but a surprisingly insightful observation.


That's actually a bit of an SF trope. Offhand, I recall Clarke used it in two of his latter works "Imperial Earth," and "Songs of Distant Earth."

A line in the former went something like "We want a person we'll have to drag kicking and screaming to the White House, but who will do a god job once there."
If Trump where half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he really is.
July 16th, 2016 at 8:19:34 PM permalink
Nareed
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 331
Posts: 11746
Very fitting for this year:

“It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see..."
"You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?"
"No," said Ford, who by this time was a little more rational and coherent than he had been, having finally had the coffee forced down him, "nothing so simple. Nothing anything like so straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people."
"Odd," said Arthur, "I thought you said it was a democracy."
"I did," said Ford. "It is."
"So," said Arthur, hoping he wasn't sounding ridiculously obtuse, "why don't people get rid of the lizards?"
"It honestly doesn't occur to them," said Ford. "They've all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they've voted in more or less approximates to the government they want."
"You mean they actually vote for the lizards?"
"Oh yes," said Ford with a shrug, "of course."
"But," said Arthur, going for the big one again, "why?"
"Because if they didn't vote for a lizard," said Ford, "the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?"
"What?"
"I said," said Ford, with an increasing air of urgency creeping into his voice, "have you got any gin?"
"I'll look. Tell me about the lizards."
Ford shrugged again.
"Some people say that the lizards are the best thing that ever happened to them," he said. "They're completely wrong of course, completely and utterly wrong, but someone's got to say it."
"But that's terrible," said Arthur.
"Listen, bud," said Ford, "if I had one Altairian dollar for every time I heard one bit of the Universe look at another bit of the Universe and say 'That's terrible' I wouldn't be sitting here like a lemon looking for a gin.”
― Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
If Trump where half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he really is.
July 27th, 2016 at 2:53:10 PM permalink
Nareed
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 331
Posts: 11746
Not the place for this, but I won't start a new thread for just one mildly funny joke:


So there are these two muffins baking in an oven. One of them yells, “Wow, it’s hot in here!”

And the other muffin replies: “Holy cow! A talking muffin!”
If Trump where half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he really is.
October 18th, 2016 at 9:30:38 AM permalink
Nareed
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 331
Posts: 11746
Rick: I totally remember doing that, but also I'd never do that!

Rick (to Morty when they see a collection of Morties being tortured): I've done just that myself. ON PAPER! I'd never do it for real. Not when you get the same effect with five Morties and jumper cables. ON PAPER!

Rick: That's why you don't stop time for long. It's completely irresponsible.
Morty: But you stopped time for six months just so we could clean the house after the party!
Rick: There's no time to hold me accountable. literally. Look outside: there is NO TIME!

Rick: Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay with your money.
If Trump where half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he really is.
October 19th, 2016 at 7:52:24 AM permalink
Nareed
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 331
Posts: 11746
Morty: Oh, boy. W-what's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something?

Rick: "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Morty. You can't just add a sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Huh, looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery.
If Trump where half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he really is.
October 20th, 2016 at 10:12:49 AM permalink
Nareed
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 331
Posts: 11746
Jerry: Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government?

Rick: All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
If Trump where half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he really is.
May 15th, 2017 at 1:52:19 PM permalink
Nareed
Member since: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 331
Posts: 11746
Drink all your drugs: https://youtu.be/jxDZKGCyPaY
If Trump where half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he really is.
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